(Written while listening to my Spotify Premium Discover Weekly playlist.)
(Song starts, “Falling In Love” by Falling Up)
This week my husband John and I are house-sitting for my sister while they are away at Disney World for ten days, I’m also pet sitting for both her and my parents while they join them for five of the days. I’m taking care of a dog, roughly forty fish, six normal cats, and a cat with special needs. Also, we just moved to a new house on Thursday. Also, I’m covering two shifts at my work that is forty-five minutes away from where we’re staying.
I’m so stressed, I haven’t been able to sleep well for the past week or so because of how much has been going on and how overwhelming it’s all been. I had to use my meditation app and still barely got a lick of sleep last night because of how anxious I am staying alone at a new place while my husband works his 12am-8am shifts that are also an hour away now.
I don’t want this post to become a pity party, I just want everybody to realize that I’m not trying to slack off on my writing, I just haven’t had access to my computer since last Wednesday or so.
(Song switch to, “I’m Lost Without You” by Blink-182)
I’ve been thinking really hard this week, and I’m not really sure if that’s a good thing or not. I feel like I’m not making any progress in life, I’m stagnant in the same ditch I’ve been in since I got out of Highschool. Yes, I have made a lot of progress towards getting out of the ditch since then, but I’ve literally never used any of the progress to actually lift myself out. I graduated from Cosmetology school over a year ago, I worked in a salon setting for less than eight months before I couldn’t handle being around it any longer. I should have gone with my gut and done something I knew for a fact I enjoyed, or even a job I could just deal with doing on a daily basis rather than having a license for something I probably won’t ever do again. Now I’m just bartending, and one of my customers said something to me recently that has just stuck so vividly with me, I think it’s almost ruined bartending for me.
(Song switch to, “Guardian Angel” by Abandon All Ships)
“Lindsay, you’re a young and extremely smart girl, why are you wasting your life serving old drunks when you could be out doing something that actually makes you happy? Are you truly happy doing this?”
(Here I skipped the rest of the song)
(Song switch to, “If The Moon Fell Down” by Chase Coy, Colbie Caillat)
The truth is, yes, I’m happy bartending. I can’t really complain much about it, I get great pay, good tips, and I enjoy interacting with 99% of my customers. I’m treated extremely well at this job, I don’t think I could ever find another place that would give me the flexibility and independence that I have here. But that’s the part that really upsets me. I’m doing great with this job, I would be downgrading pretty much anywhere else I’d go, but I still feel like I’ll never be fulfilled here. The things I love doing the most I could never make a career out of, I’ll never be able to direct or act for a living, maybe I could someday write a play or a scene for something, and that would probably be it. I’ll probably never write a successful book or get any recognition in music.
(Song switch to, “The Precipice” by The Classic Crime)
It’s all because I’m so afraid of rejection, but maybe I’m afraid of recognition too, I don’t know. All I know is that even though I love doing those things, I can’t stand that the times I’ve thought I was doing the best at it, I’ve been shot down and felt like I was absolutely terrible at them. I hate that I’ve let this stuff get to me, even though I know that it hasn’t always been true, or maybe that I just needed to fix something that was totally doable, but it doesn’t matter because now I’m afraid to ever try again.
(Song switch to, “The Way She Feels” by Between The Trees)
I know that the key to success is failure first so that you can grow and learn from it, but how can I learn if my head won’t even let me –
(Here I pause to let the dog out and just sit around for a bit, I also check messages on my phone, this it all takes roughly five minutes.)
– try again when I get pushed down? I’ve been told that I don’t have any willpower, which is totally true for the most part, I have an extremely hard time doing things for my own good. I’m bad at taking care of myself, even if I know that I need to do something to make my life better( or easier. If there’s an immediate gratification option I will always pick that over the obviously better option that will make my life better in the long run. I don’t know how people are able to just keep doing the things that are good for them, how do people eat healthy every day when you could just eat junk food that tastes amazing when you eat it but makes you feel terrible later.
(Song switch to, “18th Floor Balcony” by Blue October)
Obviously, those people just have amazing willpower, they can –
(I pause again to take a phone call from my dad, this takes another three or four minutes.)
– look at their lives in a big picture and know what decision is best for them, which is great! I wish so badly that I can do that someday, but I have such a hard time treating myself well. I think that’s a depression thing though, I feel like I don’t deserve to have the things that I perceive as good, so I avoid them at all costs. I make myself sick because I’m afraid of having the happiness that I don’t believe I’ve ever really had for a long enough time to realize it.
(I pause again because my D&D dm asks to start our Monday session early, so I spend about 10 minutes contacting everybody to see who all is ready to start, organizing the schedule for who can play and what encounters we can do until the last of our group can join. I end up committing to a solo game while we wait for my husband to get home from work to join us. This ends up cutting my writing time short so I decided to end it quickly and probably sloppily.)
I don’t think I can handle the thought of actually being happy for the rest of my life. I’m afraid to lose my identity if that makes sense, which I know it doesn’t but maybe you know more about how depression works or you’ve experienced it yourself so you understand what I mean by this. I’ve felt like this for so long that I don’t know what I’d be like without it in my life, would my friends still recognize me in our social groups? Would I even know how to spend my days? I would get so much extra time in my day if I didn’t spend so much of it moping and feeling bad for myself.
I don’t know who I am without depression, and I’m not sure yet when I’ll be ready to find out. But I do know that I want to find out eventually, I just really hope that she’s somebody everybody else likes.