(Written while listening to my Spotify Premium playlist, “The Ones That Got Away” which was created for my by Spotify.)
(Song starts, “Fixed” by Hope Cube)
I don’t really know why I feel the need to write right now, I feel terrible. I got drunk for the first time last night and I honestly hate myself so much. I know this was a lesson I need to learn in my own time because sometimes there’s shit that you just have to experience before you understand, and I was warned ahead of time that drinking can have unexpected effects on people, sometimes it changes them and people are just assholes. I don’t think I was an asshole last night, but I know I was myself amplified by ten, and my friends said I was kind of mean. Does that make me a mean person even when I’m sober? I guess that I got what I wanted, I’ve always aimed to be an intimidating presence wherever I go, I want people to respect me because I’m powerful and I have a commanding presence. Maybe that’s my ego, maybe it’s just my constant hunger for power and a leadership position. I won’t ever put up with anybody’s shit, and all my friends know it. I don’t think it was worth it.
(Song switch to, “Hills and Valleys” by Tauren Wells)
I woke up this morning more depressed than I’ve really felt in a long time, it’s been resonating in my whole body since I got up at 6am after going to bed at 3am. I just want to lay down in my own bed and hold my cat, I want to curl up under the blanket of all these burdens and close my eyes and disappear to some place that I don’t exist anymore. That sounds really bad but I’m just tired of being with people I love and having wonderful times, and still feeling like shit underneath all of the smiles and laughs that we have. No matter what I do or how hard I try, I can never just be content with what’s in front of me, I feel like there’s a constant void that’s slowly consuming me further and further into itself and in the void there’s no time and no space and I float there on my own with the emptiness choking me until I lose conscience and it slaps me awake until I can open my eyes and look at the darkness again while it chokes me harder –
(Here I pause for a few minutes, then replay this song)
– and I want to cry but there’s no sound in the void so nobody knows I’m suffering and my sobs are just muffled grunts of “yeah I’m good, just tired,” because the last time I slept I just kept waking up more exhausted than I was before, so I get weaker and weaker until I don’t exist anymore and it’s only the void that speaks for me. The void says it wants me gone.
(Song switch to, “Legends Never Die” by Against The Current)
I want to go for a walk in the woods that lasts longer than normal so I can see if people would really be worried about me, I know deep inside me that they would be but I don’t know if I believe myself. Maybe that’s just the void in me talking, or maybe it’s just a false hope. I don’t know anything anymore.
(Song switch to, “Take Me” by Aly&AJ)
I want to go to a really loud concert that hurts my ears enough to drown out my own screams so I don’t have to acknowledge the pain anymore, I want to close my eyes and move to the rhythm so I can understand what music feels like again. I don’t remember what music feels like when it’s more than a background noise in car rides so I don’t end up telling myself to stop and just sleep forever, or at least until somebody calls me to ask when I’ll be there. I’ll just tell them I got a detour so it took longer than expected, and they’ll just believe me.
(Song switch to, “Don’t Wanna Cry” by SEVENTEEN)
I never want to drink alcohol again. I never want to get drunk again. I never want to feel like everything is okay again because when I wake up it’s just worse than before because for a few hours I was happy, and it was all wrong.
I think I need a nap, the kind that feels like forever but in reality it was less than an hour and you just happened to fall asleep when something exciting happens, so your friends all get to smile and tell you how it happened, and you can feed off their happiness instead of being there in the moment and not being able to appreciate it.
(Song switch to, “How Does It Sound” by Dylan Schneider)
When you’re depressed and you aren’t there to experience the great things in life, I think you’re able to appreciate it more than if you were there for the real thing. It’s so much easier for me to listen to people tell me that something was wonderful, I love when my friends are happy, I can look at them and sometimes just feel the resounding joy that ebbs from them and it makes me believe that I could one day have it truly live in me, and they can know what it’s like to have somebody you love to return to you the best kind of feeling of being worthwhile, like everything is right.
(Song switch to, “Nineteen” by Haylee Williams)
I feel selfish. I feel like I ruin the fun my friends have. They know I’m depressed, they’re always worried about me and I’m always just sad and they know I can’t lie to them about it because I hate seeing the disappointment when they know I’m trying to cover it up. I want to stop being depressed for their sakes, but I’ve been trying so long I don’t know if I can live without it. It’s such a huge part of me that I don’t know I can exist without it, depression is my personality now and I hate it.
(Song switch to, “Black Butterflies and Deja Vu” by The Maine)
I think I need to sleep now. I know this blog has kind of turned into a cycle of me venting, but I hope in the future I can use this for a talk that is anything other than this. Pray that the future is sooner rather than later.