(Written while listening to my Spotify premium Daily Mix #4)
(Playlist starts with “Perfect” by Simple Plan)
I don’t really know what I’m doing here…
I guess I just figured it’s time to start writing again, and the thing I know the most about is myself so I should probably start with that to get myself back into the swing.
I’m sure most of my posts will just be jumbled messes of whatever is floating around in my daily life, I’m not expecting to get lots of readers if any at all, so I’m not currently looking to move forward with a theme? I’ll try to update this at least twice a week, if not more, and I’ll categorize everything for easy access.
(Song switch to “Thnks fr th Mmrs” by Fallout Boy)
I think I’m writing this post to make myself aware that this is something I should be doing, I don’t have to be afraid of writing whatever I feel like putting down on the page, and I’m going to write exactly what runs into my mind and try not to edit it.
(Song switch to “Jenny’s Song” by We the Kings)
I really love this song, I have to sing it when it comes on. You’ll notice I’m writing exactly when the songs change, I guess so you can see what I listen to during my daily life, and so I can see if my music choice affects my writing.
(Here I spend the next two minutes not writing and just listening.)
(Song switch to “On My Own” by Quietdrive)
I think I’m gonna write about migraines on here as well, and maybe keep a journal of how often and how severely they affect me. I don’t have one today, but I think it’s because I tried hard to have a good self-care day yesterday, plus I started today by volunteering at Logan’s Heros and that place makes me feel so relaxed and stress-free, those two things are super important in whether or not I develop headaches over the day.
I feel like I’m rambling a lot, but I don’t really think that I’m writing a lot. Why am I writing anyway? I guess I miss –
(Skip song, skip song)
(Song switch to “Empty” by The Click Five)
– writing and expressing myself through that form of art. God I miss writing poetry, but I feel like no matter how hard I try or what I do I just can’t ever write anything on any piece of paper or type a paragraph when I need to cry my eyes out and feel like somebody somewhere would care if I just could tell them that I’m really struggling and I don’t know how to cope with it and I don’t know if I will ever be able to spend a day when I’m just happy and there’s no doubt or sadness that clouds my day and I can see a light at the end of the tunnel that doesn’t look like a train that’s about to hit me while I’m tied down to tracks that I can never loosen the grips from because it just grabs me and holds me there and I can’t ever escape and when I do escape it’s just for a day or two and then I just get anxious that I should probably go back to the tracks and lay there because that’s where I’ve lived since I was eight –
(Song switch to “Wherever You Go” by Rocket to the Moon)
(I don’t actually write anything during this song or the next few, I just listen and occasionally scroll through Facebook.)
(Song switch to “Love to You” by The Summer Set)
(Song switch to “Homecoming” by Hey Monday)
(Song switch to “I Just Wanna Run” by The Downtown Fiction)
Well, that was weird.
I don’t want people to be worried about me, I want people to be aware and that’s it. Please don’t think that I’m going to hurt myself or do something I would regret. I know that I’m happy and I love all of my friends and everything I have going for me, but just because I have everything I could ever ask for I feel like depression really clouds it over and I can’t always see the details of how great it is until I study it for a long time.
(Song change to “Back to California” by Sugarcult)
Maybe I’ve pushed you away before or made you feel like I don’t want to be around anybody, and you’re right I probably didn’t want to deal with people and having to tell them over and over that I’m fine and everything is okay. I hate lying to people, and I hate being truthful about it even more, but it’s something I’m trying really hard to work on personally and sometimes the thing that’s best for me is to just back off from people for a while. Sometimes that makes me a bad friend and I don’t respond for hours or days to people when they try to reach out and see if I want to spend time together.
(Song change to “Rhythm of Love” by Plain White T’s)
I feel like I should end this before I get too invested and fall into a pit of writing endlessly, I kind of already did that once in this post and I think it’s dangerous to risk doing it again.
But maybe this will help in the end and I’ll share it on social media to make people aware of my doings and how I’m feeling.
Seriously though if you’re reading this and we’re friends, don’t worry. I’m not just saying that, this post was a lot of me just getting things off my chest and not editing whatever came out so that I can look back at this and see what my tendencies are.
(Song switch to “Move Along” by All-American Rejects)
Unless you feel like God is actually leading you to reach out and make sure I’m okay, don’t just do it for the good deed, you can comment and tell me you’re proud of me or whatever, and you can definitely pray for me, but this stuff is really raw and fresh for me so I don’t want to oversaturate myself into these thinking patterns either.
If you’re still reading then kudos to you, maybe you’re a great friend and you honestly like hearing the sound of my voice in your head while you read, or maybe you’re a stranger who stumbled upon some girl’s ramble. Either way thanks for sticking it out until the end, I appreciate it.
Hopefully, all my posts won’t end up like this, and I can be productive with this blog.
(Song switch to “Robots and Aliens” by Forever The Sickest Kids)
Just know that I ended this writing journey by going back and editing out a few swear words, but I did it with a smile on my face.